FORT MEYERS—Lyle Lovett, country singer famous for such hits as “Cowboy Man” and a bunch of other really popular and great ones, recently came out of his nuclear shelter located below the Madame Tussaud’s Wax Museum in New York City to express his discontent with his place in the wait list for celebrity statues. (He is currently 36th in line, a spot he has not moved from in several years.) “I pay rent to the Madame. I pay taxes to the city when I can afford to. I’ve waited twenty precious years to see my statue outside in the lobby standing next to Ginger Spice and Muhammad Ali. Enough is enough.”

Wearing a t-shirt that read “Fuck Your Grammys,” the visibly cocaine-driven Lovett delivered a 45-minute speech outside of a Nuts for Nuts cart on 42nd and 7th where he dismissed rumors that he “lost it.” “You lost it,” Lovett told reporters. “You lost me.”

Lovett, once a multi-platinum recording artist and part-time actor, hasn’t released in album in several years and, according to Variety, filed for bankruptcy twice in the same afternoon last June. Sources say the financial strain put on the Lovett estate comes from several poor investment choices, including a sitcom pilot based on the Mai Lai Massacre and an Italian restaurant in the Catskills called “Fugghedalovett.”

In an act of defiance and civil disobedience, upon concluding his speech Lyle stood still smiling and pointing in what he called “the position which [he’d] always dreamed [he’d] hold.” Lovett, known affectionately by fans of ABC’s Castle as “Government Agent,” did not break the pose to urinate, nor did he make any reaction whatsoever as pedestrians stole his wallet, sunglasses, and multiple autographed headshots of Lovett’s ex-wife, actress Julia Roberts.